Short answer: Skip "hey." Pick one specific thing from their profile, react to it like a human, and end with an easy question. "Your dog has the exact energy of someone who's stolen a whole sandwich - what's their name?" gets a reply. "Hey how's it going" gets ignored, because it asks them to do all the work.
On a dating app you're one of dozens of messages, and most of them say "hey." Standing out isn't about being clever - it's about proving you actually looked at their profile and giving them something effortless to answer. Here's the formula.
"Hey" (and "hi," and "how's it going") puts 100% of the effort on the other person and signals you sent the same thing to twenty people. There's nothing to grab, so it's the easiest message in the world to ignore. Every good opener does the opposite: it's specific to them and easy to reply to.
"Wait, you've been to Lisbon three times - are you running from something or is the custard tart situation really that good?"
Specific detail, playful reaction, easy question. That's the whole thing.
Off a travel photo:
"That hiking photo is making my couch feel very judged. Best trail you've done - go."
Off a prompt answer:
"You listed pineapple on pizza as a green flag and I need to understand your worldview. Explain yourself (respectfully)."
Off a shared interest:
"Fellow ramen enthusiast - this feels like the start of something. What's your go-to order?"
When the profile is thin:
"Your profile is a bit of a mystery, which I respect. Give me one fact that isn't on here."
The difference between charming and try-hard is often one word or one line too many. If your opener feels like you're performing, trim it back to the version you'd actually say.
Not sure if it reads as playful or just weird? Paste it into Rewrite It Better, pick "friendly" or "more confident," and get a cleaner take before you send. Nothing you type is stored.
Getting a reply is step one - keeping it alive is the real skill. Match their energy, ask light questions, and don't interrogate. Our guide on how to text someone you like covers keeping the back-and-forth going without overthinking it.
Never open with "hey." Grab one specific thing from their profile, react like a real person, and finish with an easy question. The message that proves you looked is the one that gets a reply.
One that references something specific from their profile and ends with an easy question. "You've been to Lisbon three times - worth the hype?" beats "hey" because it shows you read their profile and gives them something effortless to answer.
Because it puts all the effort on them and looks copy-pasted to everyone. There's nothing to react to, so it's the easiest message to ignore. Specific, personalized openers stand out precisely because most people don't send them.
Acknowledge it with light humor and invite one fact: "Your profile's a bit of a mystery - give me one thing that isn't on here." It turns the lack of detail into an easy, playful prompt instead of a dead end.
A compliment about something they chose (their taste, a trip, a pet) works; a compliment about their looks usually doesn't - it's the most common message they get and it invites nothing. Aim for specific and conversational over flattering.
Short - one or two lines. A specific hook plus an easy question is enough. A long opener reads as trying too hard and gives them more to skim past before they decide whether to reply.
Real situations, before/after examples, and a quiz. Chapter 1 is free.
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